Vomit Negotiations

Occasionally we serfs at work are left alone to chat amongst ourselves and get to know each other.

There seem to be a lot of hangovers in the building, are people drinking to escape the complete non-excitement that is our office?

Personally, I haven’t been drinking in months, perhaps I am going into reverse alcoholism, whatever that is.

I have had to listen to my colleagues vomit whilst I had my tea and biscuits, as the bathrooms are, naturally, next to the kitchen.

One girl vomited out her balcony before coming to work (small mercies) and was too ill to clean it up.  She got her younger brother, aged 18, to do it, after paying him seven euro.

There was a WHOLE tomato in her vomit, and he had originally requested ten euro.

 

 

Mammy Usurps the Irish Medical System, Adds Gin

After shelling out for the world’s nosiest doctor, Mammy and Daddy depart Irish shores to travel to the lovely Lanzarote, where it’s warm and medication costs less.

‘Get me my sleeping tablets,’ I bark at Mammy, ‘as I have no money left from the Doctor Prat-a-lot.’

Mammy does, and hands them over upon her return, alongside a very cheap bottle of gin, my drink of choice.

Gin and sleeping tablets – would the doctor be worried?  Surely they don’t cause alarm bells to ring if your mother gets them for you in a sunny place?

 

No to Cork, Yes to Elderflower

Best to try new things, especially with gin, so myself and Honeymonster were recommended an elderflower tonic by a bar man who seriously, and I am not just saying this because I am 39 and 7/8ths, was about 12 years old.  Very nice indeed, except we both felt very sleepy afterwards.

Have also been trying the soda water instead of tonic, to cut calories (I’m aware it would be easier to cut out scones, but would it?  Be easier?  To cut out scones?  No, it would not.).  I suppose I could get used to it, but there was no zing, even with the addition of cucumber (essential to a clean cut gin drink – barmen, take out that bloody lemon and throw away the lime!  Cucumber is the king of gin!).

Whilst purchasing my soda water, I was accosted at the bar by a Cork football supporter who had the temerity to ask me if Dublin had won the match.  ‘Of course we did!’ I yelped at him like a wounded dog, amazed that he could envision otherwise.  He then advised me that the ‘rebels’ (a name the ignorant Corkonians call themselves) would happily see off Dublin ‘soon’.  I reminded him of our quite recent victory over this alleged ‘team’ and then we both started snorting at each other like bulls.  My gin was ready, and I left him ordering Beamish, or whatever shite Cork people drink instead of Dublin Guinness.

Our Ball – the Dubs explain to Wexford that they are surplus to requirements

Diarmuid Does Dallas (Well, Phoenix)

The Tank – Dub Hero Diarmuid out making mincemeat of our country enemies

Sitting in the pub after Dublin dispatched Wexford in the Gaelic football at Croke Park, I was shocked to find that during the trad session there was an actual double of Diarmuid Connolly sitting in front of me.  Was it him?

It was not, it was an American from Phoenix with the same square jaw, sharp hair ‘do’ and rectangled body of the great man himself.  Lilsister proclaimed him to be Diarmuid’s double, made facebook friends with him and promptly sent him photos of The Great One.  He left pretty quickly after that, saying he was en route to Kerry.  We told him not to mention Diarmuid over there.

 

 

 

Dating Opportunities If Aged 63

Our uncle arrived at the pub late, as he plays trad music in a different pub on Sunday nights.  Dublin had just thrashed Derry in the Gaelic football at the hallowed Croke Park, and we had a double celebration what with it being Papabear’s 65th birthday celebrations too.

There was gin, beer and shots of baby Guinness.  I threw up that night and all the next day too, thank the universe Lilsister cooked shepherd’s pie the next day, it was the only thing I kept down for 24 hours.

During the festivities Lilsister informed me that newly separated Unca (age 63) would be bringing ‘a girlfriend’ to her upcoming wedding extravaganza in October.  We were both a little shocked – it was only January when I and Unca hugged each other on our mutual marriage breakdowns – my divorce and his formal separation.

I immediately approached Unca.  ‘You have a girlfriend?’ I slurred.  Indeed he did, he advised, and for a few months.  Excuse me, I pondered out loud, how long have you been separated again?  He queried if I meant officially or unofficially.  ‘Both,’ I enthused.

My 63 year old uncle, officially separated since Christmas, marriage broken down about a year and a half, has a girlfriend.  I am single almost three years and whilst I may not be seeking a boyfriend (or whatever they are called when you are 39 and three quarters) it is not like they are beating down the doors to enter Loboworld.

‘How did you find her?’ I asked.

‘You have to get out there and meet people,’ he confirmed.

I mentioned to Papabear that he was making me look bad.  ‘Yes, he is’, he replied.

Prettyboy said as soon as I stop being bitter I will probably be alright.

I remain utterly bemused that all of the above have partners and I do not.

 

When Michael Jackson Did NOT Come to Dublin

Just because you have some sellotape on your fingers does not give you the right to parade around as a Michael Jackson impersonator.

I had decided to forgo watching my beloved Dublin football team play what turned out to be an absolute belter of a match against Mayo in order to see this cretin.  I had hoped that he would be bad, that wasn’t the problem, the problem was that I showed up at 8pm and he came on after a bloke with glasses and a tracksuit who sang Bob Marley songs, at an unholy 11pm.

He was short and fat with greased back long hair tied into a ponytail.  He had a hugely receding hairline.  Then he put on a black hat and shades and began to screech Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’.  It was ok.  The Baker said a professional troupe of impersonators were in Dublin at the moment and perhaps he was one of them, then he failed to hit the high notes on Billie Jean and we said no way.  Then at the end he said he was part of a professional troupe of impersonators who were in Dublin and I continued drinking the beers from a large ‘five beers in a bucket’ promotion the pub was doing.  Middlebro kept shaking his head and saying it was wrong wrong wrong.  He is a bit of a purist when it comes to music.

A lot of people then began grabbing their crotches and doing really bad dance moves.  A group of badly dressed (meaning barely dressed) girls with extensions then chatted up the non-impersonator and the tracksuited singer and once again I wondered how people like that could score whilst I can’t.

Next morning I woke up in splendour in the guest FLOOR of Middlebro and The Baker’s new house and Middlebro knocked politely to tell me he was heading in for a beer poo but would do the fry up immediately afterwards.

 

Ugly Poncho Threatens to Distract Drinking, Fails

They (the world) say to write, you must write what you know.  Sadly, I know nothing.

However, even I can envisage that if you spend less than two euro on an item of clothing, it will not rock your world.

So I found it odd that upon opening the cheap packaging that Spongecake had spent a titanic €1.99 on, she then cried a disgusted ”What the fuck???”.  She had just set eyes on the plastic poncho she had bought, at a newsagents, for the first time.   I think she was expecting something that would not look like something a cretin would wear, but how could it under these circumstances.

Horrifically, once we got inside our third pub and the poncho came off, I was the one that had to carry it in my handbag.  This meant the next morning, whilst not dying but not bouncing off the walls with energy either, it was a frightening thing to behold when I went to look for my purse to buy croissants with and it’s bright blue self protruded at me from the depths.

It is best to hide your resolution to go drinking under the illusion of having afternoon tea.  We had our afternoon tea and scones (seriously, I can’t stop eating them) with some wine (beer for Spongecake), then hit a bar on the quays that serves Thai beer, then another bar for gin (vodka for Spongecake), then another bar for beer where the toilet has not been renovated (or cleaned) since the 1960’s, then another bar for more beer where you walk through the door and the one gay at the door hears you (or Spongecake) saying ‘nice bit of cock in here’ and immediately wants to be your friend.

I do remember meeting Spongecake’s (married) friends who did not even pretend to look away when she flashed her heaving chesticle at them, and swopping our shoes at one stage because mine had wedge heels and I am such a non girl my feet even hurt in THOSE, and Spongecakes’ were flat.  It was also very hard to change our shoes back again whilst standing but we distracted attention away from our falling over by blaming two very serious blokes with beards and horn rimmed glasses on an eggy fart we caught when the back door opened, something they displayed absolutely no sense of humour about, nor lowered themselves to discuss with us.  I think they went back to their corner to discuss the rubbishy sonnets they wished they were composing.