Christmas in Ireland

Back to work tomorrow, not in the mood.   Overheard two girls comparing notes about how wonderful customers are when advised of delays due to traffic/weather/drivers not working as – Holy Codfish! – they decided to take a Christmas break to, you know, celebrate Christmas and all that it entails.

Many versions of ‘stick it up your hole’

‘Fuck you’

‘Go and fuck yourself’

‘Fuck yourself and your drivers and stick it up your hole’.

The winner being

‘Go and die’.

A gentle time in the delivery business, here’s to treating people like shite when you’re standing bravely behind your telephone.


Stressful Dog Story

Another long day at work, today’s main topic being the Christmas party last night which I did NOT attend, and how one bloke thought it was hilarious to draw a girl’s lipstick all over her face.

This girl is of a gentle nature and I am quite upset on her behalf.  Last week she told me through tears in her eyes how she was walking around a block of flats and espied a dog standing on the edge of a balcony.  She screamed, told the dog to back the fuck back, which he of course didn’t do, and then she began to feel stressed as she was carrying a packet of ham in her hand, unbagged because she refuses to pay the 25 cents needed to buy them at the shops, and hoping the dog wasn’t thinking her screaming was an indication to jump down to her and the ham.

The dog never moved, but she stayed where she was whilst her boyfriend ran up to the apartment owners who expressed a total lack of concern, even stating that the dog regularly stood on the edges of the balcony, with no indication of jumping, for processed ham or any other reason.

My colleague was then so distraught at this additional information she went home for an immediate lie down.

Is this the sort of girl who deserves her lipstick smeared all over her face?


Vomit Negotiations

Occasionally we serfs at work are left alone to chat amongst ourselves and get to know each other.

There seem to be a lot of hangovers in the building, are people drinking to escape the complete non-excitement that is our office?

Personally, I haven’t been drinking in months, perhaps I am going into reverse alcoholism, whatever that is.

I have had to listen to my colleagues vomit whilst I had my tea and biscuits, as the bathrooms are, naturally, next to the kitchen.

One girl vomited out her balcony before coming to work (small mercies) and was too ill to clean it up.  She got her younger brother, aged 18, to do it, after paying him seven euro.

There was a WHOLE tomato in her vomit, and he had originally requested ten euro.



You Asked!

I have ‘taken’ a job in a delivery company.  It fails to ignite fascination, and I pretend to be surprised.

It is one of those places where mistakes are often made, and never tolerated.

When asked why a mistake had been made, a staff member told our boss the reason:

‘My brain did a fart.’


My Doctor Hates Me

I’ve been really ill so I went to the doctor.  Not because I was ill, but because my job refused to believe I was ill unless I paid sixty euro to a doctor to scribble a note to them saying ‘she is ill’.

Sixty euro?  I want something more than mere notage from a doctor.

‘Can I have some sleeping tablets?’

‘Why do you want sleeping tablets?’

‘To help me sleep.’

‘Why can’t you sleep?’

‘I am stressed out.’

‘You should assess the root of your stress which will help you sleep.’

‘I have and I am trying to deal with my problems.  However I am very tired.’

‘I am not giving you sleeping tablets.’

‘I haven’t slept properly in two years.  I would love a night off.’

‘This is no good.  Why are you stressed?’

‘I don’t want to talk to you about it.’

‘I need to understand why you are not sleeping.’

‘I am not sleeping because I am worried all the time.  Can you give me something to help me sleep?’

‘No because tablets will not solve your problems.’

‘I am not looking for tablets to solve my problems.  I just want some sleep.’

‘You need to work out why you are worried and work on that.’

‘I am working on them.  In the meantime it would be great to get some good night’s sleep before work.’

‘I need to know why you are stressed.’

‘I don’t want to talk to you about it.’

‘But I need to know.’

At this stage, I burst into tears, quite by accident.

I get two weeks worth of sleeping tablets, and my sick note says I have the shits.


TV Orphans are Gateway to Deep Feelings

An odd couple of days at work.  A colleague asked about our knowledge regarding ‘panda porn’ (porn by zoo keepers featuring pandas, for pandas) and today I spoke with an elderly man with a stutter so severe it made me want to weep.  Am I getting softer?  I have been watching a lot of ‘Long Lost Family’ lately.  How could they separate siblings???  TWINS the other night.  Horrific.

Foetal Position Time

Plodded into work this morning and was informed I would be doing an additional thing today.

Stared at my manager, horrified.  It was 8am.

Yes, I have had green tea, but that is not REAL tea, so seriously, don’t go rocking my morning before the caffeine hits.  Plus, did I mention, it was 8am and I have trouble stringing sentences together at that hour.  So, instead of screaming are you bleedin serious you mad cow all I could do was stare at her in the aforementioned horror.  I think I was putting stuff on my desk and I actually froze, terrified.  She said don’t worry, you’ll be fine, I’ll help you through it, and proceeded to make me do it without an ounce of training.

This is all fine I suppose, except I don’t know how to do my actual job yet, let alone all the little extras that make the day that much more shite.  So, having being accosted both pre-tea and early in the morning, I was completely thrown all morning, and flapped about like I had been poked in the arse.

During one of my many mini meltdowns that followed I requested help and it was duly given by my manager.  However, she then leaned in and said she understood where I was coming from, because ‘you know yourself, when you get to a certain age and you see all the young ones flying along on the system, your confidence is knocked’.


So I am fully aware I turned 40 last Friday.  I know I don’t look 20.  But I don’t look like a crumbling heap either and I have rarely been on a database that is so non user friendly that using a MOUSE TO CLICK ON IT actually FREEZES THE ENTIRE SYSTEM.  I am a child of the 80s and I can tell you, this ‘system’ is uglier and nastier that any black screen with the flashing green text on it.  I am not drowning because the bright young things next to me can use it, some of these world travellers have been in the company over 6 years using the same thing every day, whilst I was out getting my life wrecked, something that has clearly impacted on the lines on my face and contributed to me being referred to as ‘of a certain age’.  I have also been using systems that allow you to use the ‘enter’ button, and a mouse if required, and can copy and paste.  I know, what old biddy.

After that, I got a mug of tea and took several meditation-inspired deep breaths and felt like having a cry.

This starting from scratch crap at 40 is a lot harder than I let it look.