Plodded into work this morning and was informed I would be doing an additional thing today.
Stared at my manager, horrified. It was 8am.
Yes, I have had green tea, but that is not REAL tea, so seriously, don’t go rocking my morning before the caffeine hits. Plus, did I mention, it was 8am and I have trouble stringing sentences together at that hour. So, instead of screaming are you bleedin serious you mad cow all I could do was stare at her in the aforementioned horror. I think I was putting stuff on my desk and I actually froze, terrified. She said don’t worry, you’ll be fine, I’ll help you through it, and proceeded to make me do it without an ounce of training.
This is all fine I suppose, except I don’t know how to do my actual job yet, let alone all the little extras that make the day that much more shite. So, having being accosted both pre-tea and early in the morning, I was completely thrown all morning, and flapped about like I had been poked in the arse.
During one of my many mini meltdowns that followed I requested help and it was duly given by my manager. However, she then leaned in and said she understood where I was coming from, because ‘you know yourself, when you get to a certain age and you see all the young ones flying along on the system, your confidence is knocked’.
So I am fully aware I turned 40 last Friday. I know I don’t look 20. But I don’t look like a crumbling heap either and I have rarely been on a database that is so non user friendly that using a MOUSE TO CLICK ON IT actually FREEZES THE ENTIRE SYSTEM. I am a child of the 80s and I can tell you, this ‘system’ is uglier and nastier that any black screen with the flashing green text on it. I am not drowning because the bright young things next to me can use it, some of these world travellers have been in the company over 6 years using the same thing every day, whilst I was out getting my life wrecked, something that has clearly impacted on the lines on my face and contributed to me being referred to as ‘of a certain age’. I have also been using systems that allow you to use the ‘enter’ button, and a mouse if required, and can copy and paste. I know, what old biddy.
After that, I got a mug of tea and took several meditation-inspired deep breaths and felt like having a cry.
This starting from scratch crap at 40 is a lot harder than I let it look.